Opening yourself to love after divorce... is healing for all!

That moment post-divorce when you stop and think that you are ready to try again, that moment for me has been completely elusive and fleeting. I mean, I lived through a ten year marriage, an earth chattering divorce, then the untying of all the pieces that were intertwined with a human being that I currently felt betrayed by, trying to keep the kids unharmed by everything that is happening and all while trying to remember to just breath and live life myself. The process is insane and so much worse than the simplified version I just explained. And after all that, you are supposed to still want to do it again.

I don’t see it! Don’t get me wrong, I loved being married. I love the teamwork and that feeling that someone is always in your corner. But when love turns into betrayal, it’s hard to know what once was real and what wasn’t. It all feels like a play for which you were not a willing participant. Then you are forced to pick up the pieces of the you that was supposed to be and will no longer come to fruition. It messes with your mind, your heart and your soul leaving you doubting everything you thought you wanted and the person you thought you were.

I have been single now for several years. I have healed my wounds and worked myself back up to the person I should have always been. My true and unapologetic self. It was such a long journey. The mind doubts constantly and things don’t always work out like you would expect. But with a lot of introspection, I was able to see past the debris left behind by my marriage and achieve happiness. I am now a much stronger version of myself that can handle life alone. This does not mean I don’t have people in my life that help create my world, it just means that the partner I thought was necessary to face the world with, is no longer a necessity.

Somehow this has been a relief to feel and understand. Because no longer needing a partner has brought me to a point of clarity in which I see why I would want one instead of needing one. My dream had always been to be wanted and not needed, yet my heart longed for love so badly that it needed it more than anything in the world.  Once I was able to separate the ideas from each other I was able to realize how different the two are. And how I needed to live in a way that represented what I wanted.

Today, I was watching “queer eye”. I don’t really watch reality TV. Having participated in it, I realize how it is structured and created, which has caused me to grow impatient with it. For some reason, this show resonated with me and made me emotional. At that moment my daughter caught the expression on my face and just stared in awe, an eyebrow raised and jaw open. I chuckled and said “what?” Apparently, she was not only shocked that I was watching reality TV but also that I was emotional over it. Eventually the “why” came out. I try to be as honest with them as possible, so this required me looking into myself to figure out an answer to this question. I had no idea why this show had resonated with me but as I felt into my thoughts I quickly realized that I missed that feeling. The feeling being created by those 5 fabulous guys that go around helping unsuspecting victims, lol. The feeling of someone caring what you feel, having your back and wanting to take care of you.

As a strong single mom that knows she can handle the world alone, it’s not easy to admit missing that feeling. It almost feels like admitting weakness. But this new, clearer version of me, sees vulnerability as a strength and something I am happy to share with my daughters. This post-divorce journey is not only mine. It is ours. We all went through the hurt, the dissolution and the healing. And seeing their mother have a new healthy relationship is part of that healing. I don’t know what the universe has planned for us, but I am open to evolving as life transpires, and taking it all day by day.

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ABOUT BLOGGER

Karen Matamoros is a homeschooling coach helping parents transitioning to home education, homeschooling, unschooling or worldschooling to create flow in their daily lives and cultivate the relationship with their children. She is also the founder of Project: KAring, an alternative education portal for kids focused on the body, mind, and soul. She created this community to make free form education easily accessible to every child, though a directory, forums and scholarships. A few years ago, she decided to sell her 6-figure business to start unschooling her two daughters on the road full time and has been traveling the world ever since.

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