Is There Ever Enough Time?

Photo Jul 02 9 03 44 PM

“Is there ever enough time?”

This would be the phrase that would linger in my mind every moment of every day, as I felt the enormous weight of the relentless workload ahead of me. Running a depleting business, a crumbling household and catering to my children’s whole being seemed like a black hole never satisfied with the timed it sucked in. I always needed more.

I yearned for moments of freedom bursting with the luxury of choice.

Time was a commodity that had to be purchased with money, a creation of the system that gave me very little choice on joining the work force as a means for survival, to avoid homelessness and starvation.

The term financial freedom was a glimmer of hope. I had gone from self-employed to an entrepreneur in hopes of finding the coveted pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that would allow me to work less or at least dictate my own hours, to simply spend time with my daughters or just live life a little.

This seemed like a plausible possibility as a means for freedom until I was hit with the realization that my schooled children had been sucked into a very similar situation.

They didn’t get a choice to opt for freedom from their heavily regulated daily lives, reliant on the school’s tight schedules. They were often inundated by busy work that kept their young minds away from the natural development of exploration of the world around them or their own inner presence and feelings. Socialization was based on social order instead of an organic yearning for friendship. And their afternoons were filled with more busy work at home that they struggled to complete distracted by the craving of a moment to decompress, to just be, or to get a choice on what activity to do.

All this decided by a system that tells parents that they are not good enough to educate their children or gives them no choice on the matter by sucking them into a relentless workforce that takes away their spirit in exchange for barely placing food on the table.

We are such complex human beings and our lives have been split between making money and surviving… with a vacation thrown in twice a year as a gift.

It was incomprehensible. How could I allow them to be trapped in a system that I myself had such hatred for? I had to choose better for them, since there was no choice they could make for themselves.

I fought with my self-doubt of not being “good enough” to educate my kids in the form of my choosing, while the courageous hero inside of me, that longed to save her children from this trap, persistently tapped my shoulder to remind me of my strength.

And even though I knew what my children needed; it took an immensely traumatic event in our lives to push me over the edge of doubt.

This moment has been engraved in my memory so deeply, as the moment that OUR lives began.

The school year was ending, and our family was going through the hardest transformation we have ever experience up to date. My ex-husband had finally moved out after a tormentous few months, and we were in the process of pealing every aspect of our lives apart that had been intertwined for 10 years. The soul crushing pain my little ones were under as their family unit crumbled was so profound and baffling, that it would spill over into their school day and would have to be handled by their all-encompassing and big-hearted teachers.

Our life was rubbles…

 and every assigned task…

 every must…

 every item on the agenda…

was just killing us ever so slowly, infringing as much pain as it could muster.

My kids were suffering through a devastating loss and I did not have enough time to help them! They didn’t have enough time to heal! There was no time to deal with messy feelings or random tearful outbreaks.

And thus, came the defining moment…

I chose to be strong for myself, for them, for us as a family unit.

I had no idea what I would do or how I would do it, or if I was even “good enough”. But I went with what I was sure of. I was sure that my children needed time to heal, time for introspection, time to cultivate their curiosity, time to nurture their creativity, time to create relationships built on attraction, and time to be free to have a choice.

I did not wait for the yearly vacation, I gifted us the luxury of time as a matter of choice, and not luck or assignment.

I chose to take back our time!

At this moment, we entered a transitional period.

We had to create a life that suited our learning style. We spent a couple of years unlearning our old ways, learning what freedom meant to us, and creating a business that would provide me with the financial freedom, I had sought for myself.

Now we live our lives, our way…

On the road…

Learning through adventures and chosen opportunities.

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